I'm in a weird transition stage of my life at the moment: just finished my degree, looking for jobs, a Masters degree due to start in September and my 22nd birthday around the corner. I used to hate when things changed and it would always take me a long time to adapt and get used to a new way of living. But this time is a little different, I've got a whole bag of emotions going through my head. Partly excited, partly anxious but also in a reflective kind of mood which has prompted this post. Thinking back to my first ever post in which I had a yearning to discover myself and to understand what makes me tick I feel like I've learnt so much about myself since then. I think it's essential in life to always keep learning, growing and discovering, you can never know too much!
This year I've learnt so much about myself and the way I interact in the world and it's been interesting to reconnect with myself and mature as a person. The past 9 months or so has been particularly intense, trying to do well in my final year and also generally live my life. I think my outlook on life has changed greatly since I first started Uni. I'm much more driven and self assured now than I was before and sometimes I even scare myself with how driven I can be when I'm passionate about something. Aside from my ambitious nature I've discovered that I'm the sort of person that 'feels' a lot. By that I mean that I'm very emotive and whilst some people might not understand why I sometimes cry when I'm happy that's just me and I'm cool with it. I also learnt a lot about how other people perceive me which is always interesting. I think on occasions, particularly by males, I'm underestimated. I remember a few weeks ago a male friend of mine warned me off another guy because he didn't have particularly honourable intentions. I remember thinking to myself, doesn't he know that I already sussed this guy out time ago? Although I may come across as shy or timid I'm not afraid to stand my ground and after all the blows life has dealt me I'm not going to let anyone take me for a ride.
One of the biggest markers of the year has been about spreading positivity. I have been blessed beyond measure in many aspects of my life: family, friends, opportunities etc. and for me it's important to share some of the gifts I have received. There have been so many times, where just an encouraging word or bit of support has made a significant difference in my life and so I have endeavoured to spread positivity in the lives of people around me.
All in all I can say that life is pretty good for me at the moment. I have grown in many ways and I'm looking forward to more growth and more reflection!
Monday, June 18, 2012
The Death of Chivalry
This post is in reference to an event that happened over a month or so ago, just been to busy to blog/vent my anger about it.
It would appear that the age of the gentleman is well and truly over (although some will argue the age of the lady is also over too) but this particular event really made me think about the concept of chivalry and just common decency. Basically, an acquaintance of mine came to me for advice regarding a certain lady he was interested in. He had taken her out for a meal and had stated that the evening had gone well and they had a good connection. His dilemma was that since their meal there had been no further contact from her. I suggested that maybe she was waiting for him to make the first move and that he should take the plunge and contact her regarding a 2nd date. The next day he informed me that she had still not responded to his text. I proceeded with the whole 'you win some, you lose some' talk but received a very different response to what I had expected. The boy proceeded to tell me that he was going to contact the girl again, but to request his money back for the meal he had bought her. SORRY WHAT?? Words cannot describe my confusion/anger/concern after hearing this statement. So in this boy's head it's reasonable to request a refund for an endeavour that didn't turn out as expected. Simply because the girl wasn't into him, she now owes him for the meal he offered to pay for? Is this what the world is coming to? Now a girl can't be taken to dinner without the expectation that it's going to lead to something more? The joke is that this particular guy isn't even looking to settle or commit to someone and as far as I'm concerned the girl had a lucky escape. I did not even hesitate to tell this guy about himself and in all fairness I was a bit ashamed to be affiliated with him after that occasion. It would appear that in this day and age people aren't willing to invest unless there is a certain benefit for them too. I honestly hope that this guy is an exception to the rule because the world would be a pretty sad place to live in if everyone lived by that same code. My conclusion is that chivalry is definitely on it's deathbed but who knows, maybe someone will prove me wrong.
It would appear that the age of the gentleman is well and truly over (although some will argue the age of the lady is also over too) but this particular event really made me think about the concept of chivalry and just common decency. Basically, an acquaintance of mine came to me for advice regarding a certain lady he was interested in. He had taken her out for a meal and had stated that the evening had gone well and they had a good connection. His dilemma was that since their meal there had been no further contact from her. I suggested that maybe she was waiting for him to make the first move and that he should take the plunge and contact her regarding a 2nd date. The next day he informed me that she had still not responded to his text. I proceeded with the whole 'you win some, you lose some' talk but received a very different response to what I had expected. The boy proceeded to tell me that he was going to contact the girl again, but to request his money back for the meal he had bought her. SORRY WHAT?? Words cannot describe my confusion/anger/concern after hearing this statement. So in this boy's head it's reasonable to request a refund for an endeavour that didn't turn out as expected. Simply because the girl wasn't into him, she now owes him for the meal he offered to pay for? Is this what the world is coming to? Now a girl can't be taken to dinner without the expectation that it's going to lead to something more? The joke is that this particular guy isn't even looking to settle or commit to someone and as far as I'm concerned the girl had a lucky escape. I did not even hesitate to tell this guy about himself and in all fairness I was a bit ashamed to be affiliated with him after that occasion. It would appear that in this day and age people aren't willing to invest unless there is a certain benefit for them too. I honestly hope that this guy is an exception to the rule because the world would be a pretty sad place to live in if everyone lived by that same code. My conclusion is that chivalry is definitely on it's deathbed but who knows, maybe someone will prove me wrong.
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Loss or Gain?
Today has been an emotional day. Last night I found out that someone that I knew and whom I had great respect for had passed away. I was overcome with emotion, not just because it was a shock and unexpected but also thinking about the implications for her family and loved ones.
Whilst I'm still deeply saddened, I have learnt to shift my perspective a little. Whilst people may no longer be with us and we may miss them, we have not truly lost. In reality we gained from having them in our lives and from knowing them.
Today I also learnt the importance of appreciation. When you value someone and what they have done for you, let them know! I think sometimes people think I'm being insincere when I tell them how much they mean to me but I'd rather they know the truth in case I don't get the chance again.
R.I.P Lynne Millward. It was an honour and a pleasure to have known you and you will be greatly missed. You made a real difference to lots of people and I'm sure you didn't even realise.
Whilst I'm still deeply saddened, I have learnt to shift my perspective a little. Whilst people may no longer be with us and we may miss them, we have not truly lost. In reality we gained from having them in our lives and from knowing them.
Today I also learnt the importance of appreciation. When you value someone and what they have done for you, let them know! I think sometimes people think I'm being insincere when I tell them how much they mean to me but I'd rather they know the truth in case I don't get the chance again.
R.I.P Lynne Millward. It was an honour and a pleasure to have known you and you will be greatly missed. You made a real difference to lots of people and I'm sure you didn't even realise.
Thursday, January 5, 2012
Letters that I'll never send
So its around 3.15 am and I can't sleep. Then I get to thinking: how good would it be if I could write a letter to anyone or anything in the world saying EXACTLY how I feel! So naturally I started writing these letters straight away.
The first of these is quite bitter but it felt good writing it. The next two were quite heartfelt. All in all it was a very cathartic experience, one which I may try again. Who needs therapy when you can just write letters that you'll never send!
Letter 1 :
Dear Mr. Wannabe Gyalist,
You may be surprised to hear from me. After all, our last encounter wasn't too great (well at least not for me). When I decided to pen these letters, surprisingly you were on the fore front of mind. I'm not going to ask how you are or what you're up to. I'm not sure I'm really interested. I probably should rant at you about how you abused my trust and made a fool out of me but to be honest I can't be bothered. You didn't seem to care then so why would you care now? I guess it's understandable that sometimes people change their minds: one moment you want a relationship, the next moment you want every girl you can find. Fair dues. It's your life. But one thing I'll say is that you sure missed out. In hindsight it was all for the best. If I'd settled for you I would've sold myself short and Lord knows I can do better! No disrespect, just real talk. They say life's a lesson so I guess I should thank you for helping me to see my true worth.
P.S Sleeping with every girl you can find will probably only end up with you getting AIDS. Sorry mate.
Letter 2: A letter to my 11 year old self:
Hi Lauren. I thought I would write to you and give you a little encouragement. I just wanted to tell you that things will be ok. Everything yet to come: all the ups and downs, the tears and the pain will all be for a reason. Although at times you may not see it or may not understand why things have happened, please know that you are special. Please know that you have been, and always will be loved and as long as you hold onto that you will do just fine! Keep your head up and keep believing that your dreams will come true.
Love you lots,
Your future self x
Letter 3: A letter to my heart
I guess this a mixture of a sorry and a thank you letter! I know I wouldn't be here without you but I also know I've put you through some hard times. I probably should have guarded you a bit better instead of putting you out there for people to abuse you, but I promise from now on I will be wiser with whom I entrust you to. Despite the bruising you experienced, you've been more than generous. You've allowed me to be passionate and to share love. I know sometimes you and my mind disagree but I trust you. Thanks for keeping me going.
The first of these is quite bitter but it felt good writing it. The next two were quite heartfelt. All in all it was a very cathartic experience, one which I may try again. Who needs therapy when you can just write letters that you'll never send!
Letter 1 :
Dear Mr. Wannabe Gyalist,
You may be surprised to hear from me. After all, our last encounter wasn't too great (well at least not for me). When I decided to pen these letters, surprisingly you were on the fore front of mind. I'm not going to ask how you are or what you're up to. I'm not sure I'm really interested. I probably should rant at you about how you abused my trust and made a fool out of me but to be honest I can't be bothered. You didn't seem to care then so why would you care now? I guess it's understandable that sometimes people change their minds: one moment you want a relationship, the next moment you want every girl you can find. Fair dues. It's your life. But one thing I'll say is that you sure missed out. In hindsight it was all for the best. If I'd settled for you I would've sold myself short and Lord knows I can do better! No disrespect, just real talk. They say life's a lesson so I guess I should thank you for helping me to see my true worth.
P.S Sleeping with every girl you can find will probably only end up with you getting AIDS. Sorry mate.
Letter 2: A letter to my 11 year old self:
Hi Lauren. I thought I would write to you and give you a little encouragement. I just wanted to tell you that things will be ok. Everything yet to come: all the ups and downs, the tears and the pain will all be for a reason. Although at times you may not see it or may not understand why things have happened, please know that you are special. Please know that you have been, and always will be loved and as long as you hold onto that you will do just fine! Keep your head up and keep believing that your dreams will come true.
Love you lots,
Your future self x
Letter 3: A letter to my heart
I guess this a mixture of a sorry and a thank you letter! I know I wouldn't be here without you but I also know I've put you through some hard times. I probably should have guarded you a bit better instead of putting you out there for people to abuse you, but I promise from now on I will be wiser with whom I entrust you to. Despite the bruising you experienced, you've been more than generous. You've allowed me to be passionate and to share love. I know sometimes you and my mind disagree but I trust you. Thanks for keeping me going.
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Insecurities on show
This video gave me some food for thought:
So after watching this video, the first thing that came to mind wasn't how demeaning it was that all these girls were shaking their booties or anything like that. I'll be honest and say I felt a little bit jealous, I thought to myself: I wouldn't mind a bum like that!
Unfortunately I do not have a bum of that epic proportion. My lack of a derrière is something that gets to me sometimes. Coupled with the fact that I am black and there is some kind of unwritten rule that black girls are supposed to be blessed in that department and also the current preference for big bums in the media, I occasionally feel a little bit down. Where does my skinny ass fit into the picture? Does anyone really want to see bones instead of meat?
After battling with these questions, I decided to take a new stance: I don't care. And let me say this don't care attitude is something that I have been trying to develop for a while in regards to my physical insecurities but unfortunately hasn't been very successful.
I decided to try and take a new approach, that of acceptance. As part of this new tactic, I've bravely decided to list some of my insecurities in regards to my appearance, not because other people necessarily want to know but just to get them out in the open.
1. Lack of bottom.
2. An out of proportion body: this is not an easy insecurity to get over as it is such a pain. Being a size 10/12 on top but a 6/8 on bottom is really not helpful in terms of finding flattering clothes :(
3. A protruding Adam's apple( I've been told many times that only males have Adam's apples but I'm clearly the exception to the rule as mine is always ready to say hello whenever I look in the mirror)
So with those insecurities in black and white for all to see, I'm going to declare today that I am learning to accept me for me! All these things that I complain about help to make me and if I don't learn to love them, who else is?Whilst I'm no Nicki Minaj, I'm still gonna shake what my momma gave me (even though she didn't give me much in that department :D)
So after watching this video, the first thing that came to mind wasn't how demeaning it was that all these girls were shaking their booties or anything like that. I'll be honest and say I felt a little bit jealous, I thought to myself: I wouldn't mind a bum like that!
Unfortunately I do not have a bum of that epic proportion. My lack of a derrière is something that gets to me sometimes. Coupled with the fact that I am black and there is some kind of unwritten rule that black girls are supposed to be blessed in that department and also the current preference for big bums in the media, I occasionally feel a little bit down. Where does my skinny ass fit into the picture? Does anyone really want to see bones instead of meat?
After battling with these questions, I decided to take a new stance: I don't care. And let me say this don't care attitude is something that I have been trying to develop for a while in regards to my physical insecurities but unfortunately hasn't been very successful.
I decided to try and take a new approach, that of acceptance. As part of this new tactic, I've bravely decided to list some of my insecurities in regards to my appearance, not because other people necessarily want to know but just to get them out in the open.
1. Lack of bottom.
2. An out of proportion body: this is not an easy insecurity to get over as it is such a pain. Being a size 10/12 on top but a 6/8 on bottom is really not helpful in terms of finding flattering clothes :(
3. A protruding Adam's apple( I've been told many times that only males have Adam's apples but I'm clearly the exception to the rule as mine is always ready to say hello whenever I look in the mirror)
So with those insecurities in black and white for all to see, I'm going to declare today that I am learning to accept me for me! All these things that I complain about help to make me and if I don't learn to love them, who else is?Whilst I'm no Nicki Minaj, I'm still gonna shake what my momma gave me (even though she didn't give me much in that department :D)
Saturday, November 12, 2011
Each day is a gift, not a given right
This post is a reflection upon a recent incident that has been in the news. Two young students were crushed to death after a stampede at a packed nightclub.
See full story here
When I first heard about this incident, I was completely overwhelmed with emotion. Obviously I know that people die and things happen. The new is rife with gun crime, knife crime, murders, rape etc. but this really hit home. The overriding thought I had was: what an awful way to die, such a waste of life. To think that earlier in that evening those girls were getting ready to go out, probably amongst friends with high expectations of the night, with no incline of what was yet to come.At 19 and 22 these girls were still in the prime of life. To think that their families will never see them graduate or get married or even just get to hug them again is hard to take in.
This story made me aware of how fleeting life is. We don't know what each day will bring. Whilst we can't predict the future, we can be grateful for every day that we walk this earth. Live each day to the fullest and know that today is a gift and tomorrow is not promised.
My heart goes out to the families of these two beautiful young women and to all those who have lost people and are hurting. I hope that they can find the strength to live their lives in tribute to those who are no longer with us.
"Dance like no one is watching, Love like you'll never be hurt, Sing like no one is listening, Live like it's heaven on earth."
See full story here
When I first heard about this incident, I was completely overwhelmed with emotion. Obviously I know that people die and things happen. The new is rife with gun crime, knife crime, murders, rape etc. but this really hit home. The overriding thought I had was: what an awful way to die, such a waste of life. To think that earlier in that evening those girls were getting ready to go out, probably amongst friends with high expectations of the night, with no incline of what was yet to come.At 19 and 22 these girls were still in the prime of life. To think that their families will never see them graduate or get married or even just get to hug them again is hard to take in.
This story made me aware of how fleeting life is. We don't know what each day will bring. Whilst we can't predict the future, we can be grateful for every day that we walk this earth. Live each day to the fullest and know that today is a gift and tomorrow is not promised.
My heart goes out to the families of these two beautiful young women and to all those who have lost people and are hurting. I hope that they can find the strength to live their lives in tribute to those who are no longer with us.
"Dance like no one is watching, Love like you'll never be hurt, Sing like no one is listening, Live like it's heaven on earth."
Friday, November 4, 2011
The wrong kind of love
*disclaimer: I'm not sure where this post will go, I'm not even sure if I will finish this but I feel compelled to blog about this after a long while of hiding from it*
Love is a beautiful, amazing, wondrous thing. To know that I am loved; by God, by myself and by others is one of the driving forces in my life. But there's a dark side of love too. A destructive side. A love that wounds without intention or sometimes without knowledge.
I've known that kind of love and everything that came with it has shaped the person I am today. A couple of years ago I was in an 'abusive' relationship. A relationship that started off well but which could have destroyed me.
Let me start by saying that there are lots of opinions about abuse, domestic violence etc. (I know because I've heard a lot of them) but I'm not here to validate those opinions but just to give my account.
I fell in love. And in the beginning it was all I ever wanted in a relationship. Then things changed. What should have been meaningless arguments escalated to bouts of emotional and physical abuse. There were always tears and begs for forgiveness (on both parts) and over and over again the promise 'not to do it again'. But those promises were empty. The love between us was too needy and too involved to see the damage and so the cycle continued. I wasn't aware of it at the time but my identity started to slip away, I didn't think the same way or act the same as before. The more love I invested in him the less I invested in myself and with that I made myself even more vulnerable.
However I was fortunate. There came a time when enough was enough and the destruction had to be over for good. I'm blessed with the most amazing network of family and friends who made sure I never went back to him and who supported me in my darkest days. I often wonder what would've happened if I didn't leave. To be honest I could've been dead.
I would love to say. We broke up, I got over it and life is all good now. But the truth is: that kind of love scars. Sometimes I feel angry with myself for still thinking or feeling sad about it. The product of that love was a lot of fear and anxieties. I get anxious when I see couples arguing, I get agitated when people even mention the words domestic violence.
Despite this, I can hold onto the fact that I'm alive and I'm breathing. And everyday I give God thanks for that. I've been blessed with a wealth of opportunities and I'm proud of the person I am today. Sometimes you have to be broken to be healed; its all a part of growing and I know I've got much more growing to do. I've learnt some valuable lessons. I've still got some healing left to do but I've come to accept that sometimes it's okay not to be okay. I'm only human after all. Even after seeing the damage love can do I haven't given up on love just yet. I still live in hope that one day I will share a beautiful, pure and enduring love with someone. (P.S that guy will be very lucky because I am one hot mama!)
There it is. I did it. And surprisingly I don't feel sad, I feel empowered. For every negative, there's a dozen positives. Every cloud has a silver lining!
Love is a beautiful, amazing, wondrous thing. To know that I am loved; by God, by myself and by others is one of the driving forces in my life. But there's a dark side of love too. A destructive side. A love that wounds without intention or sometimes without knowledge.
I've known that kind of love and everything that came with it has shaped the person I am today. A couple of years ago I was in an 'abusive' relationship. A relationship that started off well but which could have destroyed me.
Let me start by saying that there are lots of opinions about abuse, domestic violence etc. (I know because I've heard a lot of them) but I'm not here to validate those opinions but just to give my account.
I fell in love. And in the beginning it was all I ever wanted in a relationship. Then things changed. What should have been meaningless arguments escalated to bouts of emotional and physical abuse. There were always tears and begs for forgiveness (on both parts) and over and over again the promise 'not to do it again'. But those promises were empty. The love between us was too needy and too involved to see the damage and so the cycle continued. I wasn't aware of it at the time but my identity started to slip away, I didn't think the same way or act the same as before. The more love I invested in him the less I invested in myself and with that I made myself even more vulnerable.
However I was fortunate. There came a time when enough was enough and the destruction had to be over for good. I'm blessed with the most amazing network of family and friends who made sure I never went back to him and who supported me in my darkest days. I often wonder what would've happened if I didn't leave. To be honest I could've been dead.
I would love to say. We broke up, I got over it and life is all good now. But the truth is: that kind of love scars. Sometimes I feel angry with myself for still thinking or feeling sad about it. The product of that love was a lot of fear and anxieties. I get anxious when I see couples arguing, I get agitated when people even mention the words domestic violence.
Despite this, I can hold onto the fact that I'm alive and I'm breathing. And everyday I give God thanks for that. I've been blessed with a wealth of opportunities and I'm proud of the person I am today. Sometimes you have to be broken to be healed; its all a part of growing and I know I've got much more growing to do. I've learnt some valuable lessons. I've still got some healing left to do but I've come to accept that sometimes it's okay not to be okay. I'm only human after all. Even after seeing the damage love can do I haven't given up on love just yet. I still live in hope that one day I will share a beautiful, pure and enduring love with someone. (P.S that guy will be very lucky because I am one hot mama!)
There it is. I did it. And surprisingly I don't feel sad, I feel empowered. For every negative, there's a dozen positives. Every cloud has a silver lining!
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