Seeping through my pores

I feel it

I feel it all the time

Like a surge of electricity running through my body

Consuming my heart and my soul

I can't contain you

And I don't want to

So I'll let you explode

Seeping out my pores 

Overflowing into my world

I hate...

I hate being undermined
I hate when people abuse my trust
I hate when people are suspicious with no just cause
I hate when people question my past experiences
I hate when I am not valued


But most of all I hate that I am a hypocrite who at one time or another has displayed or embodied all of the aforementioned traits.

It's often easy to notice the flaws in others but how often do we recognise these flaws in ourselves?

I don't want to become what I hate but through the act of loving myself and realising that I am a work in progress I pray that I will have as much insight into myself as what I am quick to display to others.

Sankofa

15th October 2011:

At the ripe old age of 21 I have come to question : Who am I? What is it that makes Lauren, Lauren? Concepts of identity that I felt were so stable seem to have flitted away and I've been left with a yearning to get to the heart of me. Fair enough I can probably adhere to certain labels: a daughter, a sister, a student, a friend, a sex bomb (I joke) but how well do these labels tell the story of me? More recently I have felt like I'm in a stage of transititon almost as if I have emerged from my cocoon ready to flap my wings. Whilst I'm sure that the old caterpillar traits and ways of thinking no longer apply, I'm still working out what it will take for this butterfly to fly high.

Present day:

Now at 24 years old I'm still soul searching, still questioning and yet again in a stage of transition. After a period of non-use I'm back on the blogging front and it almost feels like a comfort blanket, a space to counsel to myself. When I first created this blog I had no idea how cathartic an experience it could be. Now with new perspectives and different life issues to deal with I have returned to my safe haven to find solace in my own words.

Sankofa: Learning from the past ,to bring to the future.

The Trouble with Love

The trouble with love is:

- It makes you vulnerable
- It clouds your judgement
- It can't be stopped
- It's not always rational
- It has the power to eat you up
- It can turn your whole life upside down

I feel that the list above completely encompasses how I'm feeling right now, however putting my positive hat on I know that all things happen for a reason. You can't always choose who you fall in love with, you can't put a guard around your heart forever and sometimes you have to leave yourself open to hurt as being hurt is all part of growth ( please don't go out hurting yourselves on purpose though!). 

Whilst love can be troublesome, it's ultimately what makes the world goes round. In life you have to take the positive with the negative. For now a more positive definition of love to end with:

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonour others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." 

1 Corinthians 13:4-8

New Year, New Me (Isn't that how the story goes?)

I haven't posted in a little while, procrastination and the stress of life have got the best of me. My last post was way back in June and so much has happened since then: graduated from uni, turned 22, started a Master's degree, went on holiday and so much more. It's been a an intense few months and I feel like I've been on an emotional roller-coaster for much of it. I've had lots of ups and a few downs but I guess in life you have to take the rough with the smooth (I just wish there was much more smooth than rough!). My quest to find myself took another route as I realised that as life progresses and as I change my patterns of evaluation and reflection all needed to change to.

Now it's already two weeks into 2013 and on the whole there's nothing much for me to complain about. I've never really been the one for resolutions per se but I've liked the feeling of drawing the line under a year and closing the door on some things. This year I have challenged myself to change my mindset; I want to develop an attitude of positivity and appreciation in spite of the hardship or adversity I might face. That said, this isn't always an easy task to accomplish and I've already stumbled in this goal. However, I'm not going to beat myself up when I falter, I will just try and readdress the balance and seek a positive meaning in the things I may experience. I'm a strong believer in the power of positive thinking and counting my blessings. Therefore, this year I hope that I can be appreciative and content with all the good things I have in my life (no matter how small or trivial they may seem).

A new year is not the only time for growth, refinement or fresh starts, this is something we can all achieve at any time. I don't know what 2013 holds in store for me but I hope to be the best person I can be and make the most of all the days I'm given.

Lessons Learnt

I'm in a weird transition stage of my life at the moment: just finished my degree, looking for jobs, a Masters degree due to start in September and my 22nd birthday around the corner. I used to hate when things changed and it would always take me a long time to adapt and get used to a new way of living. But this time is a little different, I've got a whole bag of emotions going through my head. Partly excited, partly anxious but also in a reflective kind of mood which has prompted this post. Thinking back to my first ever post in which I had a yearning to discover myself and to understand what makes me tick I feel like I've learnt so much about myself since then. I think it's essential in life to always keep learning, growing and discovering, you can never know too much!

This year I've learnt so much about myself and the way I interact in the world and it's been interesting to reconnect with myself and mature as a person. The past 9 months or so has been particularly intense, trying to do well in my final year and also generally live my life. I think my outlook on life has changed greatly since I first started Uni. I'm much more driven and self assured now than I was before and sometimes I even scare myself with how driven I can be when I'm passionate about something. Aside from my ambitious nature I've discovered that I'm the sort of person that 'feels' a lot. By that I mean that I'm very emotive and whilst some people might not understand why I sometimes cry when I'm happy that's just me and I'm cool with it. I also learnt a lot about how other people perceive me which is always interesting. I think on occasions, particularly by males, I'm underestimated. I remember a few weeks ago a male friend of mine warned me off another guy because he didn't have particularly honourable intentions. I remember thinking to myself, doesn't he know that I already sussed this guy out time ago? Although I may come across as shy or timid I'm not afraid to stand my ground and after all the blows life has dealt me I'm not going to let anyone take me for a ride.

One of the biggest markers of the year has been about spreading positivity. I have been blessed beyond measure in many aspects of my life: family, friends, opportunities etc. and for me it's important to share some of the gifts I have received. There have been so many times, where just an encouraging word or bit of support has made a significant difference in my life and so I have endeavoured to spread positivity in the lives of people around me.

All in all I can say that life is pretty good for me at the moment. I have grown in many ways and I'm looking forward to more growth and more reflection!

The Death of Chivalry

This post is in reference to an event that happened over a month or so ago, just been to busy to blog/vent my anger about it.

It would appear that the age of the gentleman is well and truly over (although some will argue the age of the lady is also over too) but this particular event really made me think about the concept of chivalry and just common decency. Basically, an acquaintance of mine came to me for advice regarding a certain lady he was interested in. He had taken her out for a meal and had stated that the evening had gone well and they had a good connection. His dilemma was that since their meal there had been no further contact from her. I suggested that maybe she was waiting for him to make the first move and that he should take the plunge and contact her regarding a 2nd date. The next day he informed me that she had still not responded to his text. I proceeded with the whole 'you win some, you lose some' talk but received a very different response to what I had expected. The boy proceeded to tell me that he was going to contact the girl again, but to request his money back for the meal he had bought her. SORRY WHAT?? Words cannot describe my confusion/anger/concern after hearing this statement. So in this boy's head it's reasonable to request a refund for an endeavour that didn't turn out as expected. Simply because the girl wasn't into him, she now owes him for the meal he offered to pay for? Is this what the world is coming to? Now a girl can't be taken to dinner without the expectation that it's going to lead to something more? The joke is that this particular guy isn't even looking to settle or commit to someone and as far as I'm concerned the girl had a lucky escape. I did not even hesitate to tell this guy about himself and in all fairness I was a bit ashamed to be affiliated with him after that occasion. It would appear that in this day and age people aren't willing to invest unless there is a certain benefit for them too. I honestly hope that this guy is an exception to the rule because the world would be a pretty sad place to live in if everyone lived by that same code. My conclusion is that chivalry is definitely on it's deathbed but who knows, maybe someone will prove me wrong.